Popkilr

Life after the end

2009-12-28T12:56:03Z

maybe it is being stuck in the house sick or maybe its just going around but i decided to write in here.

the past period of time after i left monica has been hard to get through especially financially. but i think i am on the edge of being ready to move on. it sucks when you love someone and you just can not make a relationship work anymore between you both but hopefully it is for the best. and through all the hurt i have found a new kind of happiness that i am still struggling to understand.

alot of my mind is on my job and my career right now. i fear its time for a move and either i take it or its forced on me. its a big risk to take especially now when im just putting my life back together. but i think i can do it. i know i can push myself to do it. i just want to find my next line of work in this career. i want to move on and grow. hopefully doing this now is the best idea. hopefully i dont have choices forced upon me before this happens.

i have found some real good friends in fern and pedro. its been awesome being able to work with them and having them remind me i can go whereever i want. if i do leave my job soon i will leave a lot of good people and one of the best learning experiences of my life.

i find myself wondering where to go from here. alot. im through the divorce as much as a person can be i think. i hit bottom again last week and i hope thatll be the last bottom for a while. life is completely laid out in front of me again and i feel unsure of myself. i feel like im behind the curve. i feel like i have no direction again. but i do have an idea of what i want which is a big step from 6 years ago. i hope i can stay focused and keep my confidence up because thats what always kills me. my self confidence. i know that now. and im trying to remind myself about all i have done and what i can do. i havent exactly been lazy these past few years. and i havent exactly been living the easy life either.

as far as women... i dont even know anymore. just recently i met someone who i think is an awesome person. but im not sure what i want, what they want, where this should go. what scares me is there are times i think of her the way i thought of monica. like the worst situation possible. always looking for the spots where lies are being told. always paranoid. i have so many issues with trust now. it will take some time to work them out. but i dont want to miss out on anyone special because of that. but maybe that is just what has to happen. how does someone like me who never really tries to find anyone always seem to be placed in awkward situations with someone? that i will never know. but for now i will not push any of it. i will let whatever happen happen on its own. maybe thats what i should have done all along. just not worry about it. and see what it turns into. if nothing else it feels nice to have someone in my life right now in whatever form that may be. to have those certain smiles and awkward little moments with. like a partner. like an accomplice heh. someone who really seems to care about me. i just need to be careful to not become dependent on it. because i know that will taint it and will do more harm in the long run.

and monica... i think she is going through alot of hard times right now. but i do not even know anymore what goes on in her life or what she really means. and i dont think i ever will really know the truth about my ex. after spending so much time together i do not think she will ever be able to tell me the truth about herself. and its not a truth you speak with words to someone. if thats understandable. i just think she still has alot to go through and i know now that i can not go through it with her or for her. i hope she is taking care of herself and that she is finding some happiness in the end of everything now. at the very least i hope she knows now what she did to me and our relationship so that one day she wont make those mistakes again. she was so excited to turn 21 in a few days and i thought i was going to be with her to share that with her. but life went another way and i understand that. after alot of soul searching i do not regret my decision to move on. but i regret that somethings will always remain a question. always remain undone. always remain unknown. but such is life. and i want to make sure that i do and know as much as possible from here on out so that those questions in my life are minimal at best.

my friends as always are getting me through. keeping me positive. keeping me strong. and i have been blessed with so many of them. i am so glad to have them around. and cherish all the good times with them i truly do. i hope one day i can repay all of them the way they have helped me. but i guess we do lean on each other. and that is what friends are for.

its a whole new world now. everything is going to change again. but hopefully it should be changing for the better. may be that card was right. maybe this is the beginning of the best years of my life.

a message that was never sent...

2009-10-14T10:35:04Z

so I dont often post on this but I dont think this should be lost. This is a letter I wrote to Monica. I couldn't send it but I think its important to have somewhere. After everything that has happened I don't hate her. Maybe its just not in me to hate. Maybe its petty to hate someone when you know it wont do any good for either of you. I'm ready to move on with my life. Alone. And strong. And happy. For now =)

Monica,

Its only at the end that you can really look back and see everything that was really happening. I look back and see alot of things that I'm not happy with and some things I'm not proud of. But the one thing that makes it all feel better is remembering that I was there for you and I was able to take care of you and try to help you grow as a person. From the first time I met you I knew there was something about you and I knew I wanted to be the one who was finally there for you no matter what. Who genuinely loved you and put you above anything else. I'm proud of the time we were able to spend together as hushband and wife and I will always cherish it.

I'm writing this to you in case we stop speaking which would be understandable. I just want you to know that I love you. I will always keep you in my heart. I will always hope the best for you. I will always remember the good times. The times we sat in bed and you sang from subtitles. The times you played WOW and ran me through DM. The times you gave me penguin kisses. The times you took care of me. I don't want you to think I hate you. I don't. Even though I know for both of us thats how it comes out right now.

There are so many things I can say to you right now but I think the most important is just to know that I'm not doing this to hurt you or be spiteful. That I still think about you all the time and I still hope that you are happy and successful in whatever you do. I hope you remember me as the person who loved you and tried to always be there for you.

You are a very complex person but those same things are what make you a real special person Monica so don't ever forget who you are. You are worth every struggle and every hardship life will give you. You are strong enough to get through anything with your head held high if you really want to. Remember never to settle for whats easy. Always take the high road even if it is harder because it is what you deserve. You deserve to live the kind of life you want to live. You deserve to have a family and people around you who love you. You just need to work hard to get there. I know you can do it.

I hope one day we can look at each other without the spite and anger and just remember what we had and how much we cared about each other. What is meant to be will be.

Take care of yourself.

With love your hushband,

Sampson

so many guitar solos

2009-05-28T10:41:33Z

so i called into work because my pants ripped and i took that as a sign.

and man what a fun fuckin day i had. besides the real downer of a conversation between me and monica it was lots of fun.

so talking about that conversation.... she said she is happier without me. that was a HUGE blow. that really hurt. that hurt more then thinking about all the shit thats happened to me. that was probably the most painful thing she has ever told me. im still in shock of it.

i know ive sent alot of mixed messages and said alot of things in frustration but i never said that to her. i dont think ill be happy either way. but if thats really how she feels i guess its all done but the signing of papers.

what would make her say that? after all this time? she said she should have never gotten with me in the first place and i never loved her. i got a feeling she is either with another guy or has another guy she wants to be with and is waiting for me to do it first. she needs for me to pull the trigger first kind of thing.

i mean if thats the case just go do it. i mean it is bad right now and if she really feels that way then it isnt going to ever get better. if i really hated her i wouldnt call her every chance i get. i wouldnt be trying to talk to her about how i feel. i mean when you love someone that much for that long you want to give them EVERY opportunity to prove to you that it will get better. that being together is better then being apart that we could both be happy. but i dont know if she either isnt willing to do that or if the time is too much for her. its not like im trying to set up my life for after the divorce while she sits at home. i guess the part of my life that comes off like that to her right now is just me seeing if i would ever be happy on my own. i mean its a mixed bag. some things im happier alone but others im just not.

i dont think she loves me anymore. everything she has done since weve been separated has said she wants to stay this way. same as me i guess but its not true. i just want to see that it will change. i want to see that i cant be happy without her. i want to know that she would be there for me and that i could keep the same comforts i enjoy now while i was with her. i think its just destined to be fucked. i think in two weeks time if we are not back together shell be with someone else. and then it will be over. then there isnt much to go back to.

i give it two more weeks and then we wont be talking to each other anymore.

i feel like ive lost her ya know. i feel like i let her down. finally. that big let down she has been waiting all this time for. sampson wasnt here for me. sampson doesnt like me. sampson just left me.

it wasnt like that. and it wasnt so that i could fuck another girl. i just told myself the last time we had a real bad separation that if i got back together and she stopped caring about taking care of us i would leave. i mean after everything if she really wanted to stay she would have put more into it. but i guess thats exactly what she would say to me.

i dont know what more she needs from me. i dont know what she wants. its hard to give her trust or understanding. you know this cant be a two way thing for me. this relationship was one sided for so so long. i need her to keep things together now. even when it looks like it may not work out. shit i did that for so long. she can still win me back. she can still win me over. but i couldnt even tell you how. or what. or why. i just know she can. she probably will always be able to. because i love her.

i hope she at least loves me. i mean if we get divorced fine whatever. but i still love her. im always going to love her. thats what kills me. if i didnt love her i wouldnt be in such hell right now.

i hope she at least knows i love her. if nothing else i can live with just that.

i hope she knows =(

what am i doing

2009-05-27T11:55:03Z

what am i doing?

what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to the people around me?

everyone around me right now EVERYONE even people from work i rarely talk to are worried about me. they've noticed that i always look on the virge of tears. that i have been staying overtime at work so i dont have to go home.

ive been forcing people to spend time with me just to keep me from thinking. and ive become so annoying apparently.

what am i doing?

i keep thinking i know my decision to get divorced is right but is it what i want? im on the virge of completely breaking down. i dont think i am strong enough to be alone. i really question it now. i think i am just not strong enough to keep living my life on my own. im seriously breaking the fuck down man.

all i keep thinking is who is going to love me now? what kind of person would take me now? i dont think anyone would love me as much let alone understand everything i need from a relationship. or am i just stupid? am i just scared?

im in a really bad place. i fear for myself i really do. im barely keeping myself together. i want to just feel loved so bad right now and there is no one around who can give me that.

i want to cry and i cant. i tried forcing myself to and i cant. its the weirdest thing. i want to feel pain. maybe just so i can feel something. have something to struggle against and keep my mind off of the situation. i know thats wrong. its scary to say that but its true. i just have so much emotion that i can not get out of me right now.

i want to cry.

i just have no self esteem i have no motivation right now. i just want to cry. but i cant.

i want for her to be here so bad right now. its like im not taking her back on just principal not what has actually happened this time. i feel so dumb. i do not understand why i do not want to be with her anymore. i worked so hard to try to make a good life for US not ME. and now its just going to be me. alone. and i dont want that. i dont want to be alone with alot of money and alot of success and alot of good things in my life and no one to share it all with. no one to enrich with my life and get enriched by theirs. im losing it.

i want to cry.

im so scared im going to lose it. im so scared. it feels like this is the trial. like if i can get through this period i am strong enough to be on my own. but im so scared. its so hard. i cant think of her with someone else. i cant think of her happy without me. i love her. im always going to love her. why did everything have to be like this. i deserve better. im a good man. im a good person. im a good friend. im a good hushband. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve this moment. i dont deserve to be alone. i just want what i deserve. i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be excited to see my wife. i deserve to be with someone who will be there for me and help me. i deserve to be with someone i trust. i deserve to feel lucky to be with someone. i deserve to be happy. i deserve a good relationship. but i am never going to get it. this is the best i am ever going to get. life is never going to be any better then it is right now.

thats a lie. that was a lie. what am i doing. life will always get better. things will always get better. i will get good things in my life as long as i remain a good person. its hard. its real hard right now. but i just need to tough it out. i need to ride this out. i need to stop trying to cry. im doing real good. i did not do anything wrong. im a good person and i have alot to offer anyone. i can do anything i put my mind to. i will be loved.

just breathe....just breathe....

i think im starting to learn....

how to just breathe...........

so here we are again...

2009-05-18T11:37:48Z

ya i know its lame to come back to you journal but sometimes ya just need to think outloud... or type outloud anyway...

so heres the way it went down...

i asked monica for time apart. just out of the blue which still scares me. she did not do anything wrong. i mean she wasn't looking for a job which was making everything so much harder but i could tolerate that to a point ya know. no cheating no stealing no lying. nothing was really that wrong. i just kind of woke up one morning and said "hey i dont want to do this anymore."

i still dont know how to feel about that. if thats right. if its what i really want. it feels like everything from the past in our relationship is hitting me now. it feels like there will never be real trust between us. it feels like itll be a long time before she takes care of herself a little more i mean i dont mind providing i love to take care of her but not at the expense of my goals and my happiness. i really want to start moving on to the next stage in my life. i want to get my own place again. i want to go back to school. i want to get this car paid off. and everytime i start to gain traction towards that she somehow stops me it feels like. but is it just life or is it really her not doing her part? i just cant tell anymore.

and what sucks is that anytime i talk to her she has all the right answers. she says exactly what i would want her to say. and i just feel like ive heard it so many times before and it never really came true. how long are you suppose to wait for a person to become who you want them to be?

i love her with all my heart but there are so many places where i can argue "it should be over because of this or this or this"

i feel like if i just took her back i would be letting her walk all over me and i dont want that. i feel like part of me would not be holding true to myself. i have this urge to go outside of our marriage right now and i know thats wrong. it shouldnt be like that. and even if it happened to me its not fair to do that to her. but that feeling being in me is wrong. it means my heart isnt in this anymore.

i think thats what is hurting the most right now. i dont feel like my heart is anywhere anymore. i just dont want to keep hurting anyone or myself. i just want to shut down. the time i have to myself i breakdown now. its been so hard not to just ask for time off of work. if i cant get control of my emotions soon i may need to though. i cant keep yo-yoing from sad to happy. from wanted to work it out to wanting to move on. its just so hard either way.

i told her today that i dont think we would get back together. that wasnt all true but i just cant keep being so indecisive. right now if we got back together i wouldnt be happy. i expected her to be looking everyday for a job. to be staying at home or at the shop. but it feels like shes trying not to be here because she doesnt want to take the pain. i think she really knows that this relationship got messed up along time ago because of her. and now that it might end because of alot of stupid decisions she cant take it in too deep. i couldnt either i guess.

i just dont feel loved so much anymore. i dont feel special. i dont feel like a partner i feel like a cash machine. i cant talk to her anymore. we use to be able to talk about anything or nothing ya know. it was like she wasnt my wife she was a real good friend i never felt like i had to keep things to myself or watch how i said things. i just dont feel a connection to her now. i mean theres always a connection but it just doesnt feel the same. maybe i am pushing her away but its because of everything in the past. i cant forgive some of those things. i thought i could all these years and i just cant. they hurt. to this day they hurt and its hard to sacrifice for someone you feel hurt you.

i think i need to stop bullshitting around and trying to sleep with someone else and just really concentrate on the issue. but a majority of the time i do i just end up thinking we need to get divorced. and i dont want to think about that. it hurts me. i dont want to be alone. and i dont want to hurt this person i care about. i dont want to see her with anyone but me. i think i am the best person for her. but i cant be happy either so im fucked either way.

i just dont think she is putting everything she has into trying to save this relationship by working on herself. i think thats another big point right now. its hard to put into something that isnt having any signs of getting any better. but i did that for her for years. she cant do that for me now? or am i just that strong of a person that i am expecting too much from her?

i just want to feel loved again period. these last few weeks have been so sad. i dont have the energy to clean. my car is about to breakdown and i cant do anything about it. i cant focus at work. i feel so lost right now. i just want some direction. i want to start moving somewhere again. if i change my mind fine but i need to get some kind of direction in my life because i am so lost.

i drink more. not a whole lot but noticably. i am starting to use it to make myself feel better which is bad. theres way too much alcoholism in my family to test the waters that deep.

im just becoming a depressed person again like i was before monica. just hopeless and i shouldnt be. things are alot different im alot different im stronger and so happy with myself. i think i just feel guilty that i may wind up wanting the divorce. i think thats whats kept me in this during those times. guilt about leaving and faith that staying is right. nothings panned out yet. but i cant bring myself to say those words. i cant bring myself to say "i want out"

i just want to be happy. and either way right now im not. so whats the answer? what decision would i be happy about 3 years from now? my head tells me this reaction is way overdue. my heart tells me the same. my heart says there is still hope but theres no way of knowing how long it would take to get there. i cant wait much longer.

this feels like the end. and i just dont know where to go from here. she was all i cared about. she was my whole reason for being. and now it feels like thats over. i feel so lost without her. i know i need to get over this demon i have in lonliness but im still scared of being alone.

i just need to breathe...

with broken wings im falling....

2008-05-23T00:06:47Z

things have been busy.....so uber busy that im almost burnt out by it....

im really trying to hold myself together right now and im kind of succeeding......i think thats because i have stopped talking to monica all together......

i had a really vivid dream of her having sex with some guy.....could it have been clairvoyance?

in any case, i really do miss having companionship...but i find it from other people too....

im going to miss my partner in everything......but sometimes you need to just stop being afraid to let it go.....thats all ive been lately......

i hope i can move on from this now and start a new chapter of my life....the right way.....with myself intact......

im considering leaving my job ...... just want a change......

but as rhys said "a new girlfriend would be a change too"

regardless of whatevers going on or not going on between me and monica...... i want to change my life......

i mean i was thinking about this..... i have a decent job that is leading me into a career in the industry....im next in line for a salaried position.....im getting all my money troubles dealt with......i have no more stress from monica.....i should be happy right now.....but im not.....

im thinking maybe im not happy simply because im not doing the things that make me happy enough.... then when i try to think of what makes me happy....the depression side of me takes over and says nothing right now....nothing makes me happy if im alone.....and that shouldnt be true....

i am a great person.....i have alot to offer.....i know how to take care of a relationship.....sooner or later someone else is bound to notice me......and maybe shell be it....or at least new.......and not abusive.....im really excited about the fact that im moving on......i mean i get a chance to be happy again after how long of holding in the hurt......after all the lies and pain i get to at least make a vain attempt at finding someone who will take care of me.....thats exciting

i just never knew how to go about it.....still dont.....i dont know if i ever will....and THAT makes it hard for me.....but maybe it will happen....i can learn how to actually date lol

i just desperately want to be happy. and i want to change somethings in my life so that i can be happy. just make some waves. rebel against myself a little. do something new meet someone new. just have a new start at being me. i think once in a while everyone needs that.

my mom is considering leaving in september. if she goes i could get roommates here. but im thinking it just may be a good opportunity to explore my world a little. maybe i should move away from vegas.....and maybe i shouldnt move to texas.....maybe i should go somewhere fresh....california, new york, boston, chicago, oregon,.....i wouldnt mind bugging schmity for a year or so.......i just want to leave for a year or so......just to try something new.......just to live outside my world for a little while.....because i could just keep doing what im doing right now and have a salary and buy a house and id be essentially set for the rest of my days....that would be it......end of the road.....i could work that job til i died.....then what would my life have been......what would have enriched me.....i really think leaving for just a year or less would be good.....i would have to leave alot behind......but if its really meant to last it would be here a year later.......friends would be here.......lovers would be here.......jobs would be here.......im way smarter and stronger then i give myself credit for.......i have a good head and a good heart and i could find a way to make it anywhere.......

just watch me try.....

help me smile

2008-05-13T02:10:28Z

i feel like breaking down on a massive level....

im just so distraught right now. so depressed. so unhappy. so lacking confidence that im doing the right thing.

monica and i had been talking lately. even sleeping together. we were thinking about getting back together. it was really looking to be what i wanted. until i found out she went on another date. and kisssed another guy. that killed it all for me. broke my heart all over again.

i want her so much. my wife. not just my girl but my friend. my partner. my companion. my world. the reason i live. i want her so much. but i dont want to be hurt anymore. and she would hurt me again. she doesnt care about me as much as i care about her. she doesnt sacrifice. she doesnt work hard for me. she doesnt put me before herself not once.

i hate being inbetween. i had to make a decision. i still cant say im done with her. im done with my wife i cant say that. i think there is still more. but i cant wait for the time to be right. its hurting both of us. i had to make a decision now and my decision was to stay apart.

i hate making her hurt. but at the same time she does plenty to make me hurt. at least im doing it for the right reasons. she can just be so blinded to the world. and she wont care until its too late. i love her but i cant keep taking all the pain while she takes all the happiness in this relationship. and i dont know when shell grow up. grow out of her attitude about life.

i dont sleep with random people. i dont fuck someone because im "bored". i dont cheat on my wife and lie about it. i dont go on dates and kiss other people when i cry to you everynite that i want you back and all i want is you. thats just a lie. when i hear her say she loves me i cringe inside i know its not true.

thats what hurts the most. i feel no better off then i did three years ago. same lonely. same alone. same loser. same has been. same never was.

all i want in my life is to be happy. and all i need to be happy is one person. one very special person who i love more then anything in this world. and she cant be that person anymore. and i dont know who could be that person for me right now. and my heart breaks.

ive had the first suicidal thoughts since i was released from the hospital. very fleeting but i recognized them as negative thoughts. im worried about my life. i need someone. someone to hold me through this. because this is hard. and maybe right now. too hard.

i never know what to say to her. i want to take her back. i want to make her happy. i want to see her smile. but it wouldnt work for both of us.

i wish god would save me from this. wrap me in a bubble until it was done raining.

its raining in vegas tonight. how odd is that?

maybe gods heartbroken tonight. maybe hes looking down at all he created and seeing all the destruction all the poor the needy the unfair and the mislead.

i wonder what he would say to me.

he would say to be strong. that i was stronger then i could imagine. and i could get through this.

help me smile.

and here it is

2008-04-22T20:24:04Z

i have decided my days in vegas could be numbered

i look around here and i have so many opportunities

im definitely staying for another year. but if i can pay off my cars and finish my last semester of my AA degree and save up some money im coming down here to buy a house. maybe i wont stay here forever maybe ill rent it out and go back to vegas but im definitely purchasing property here. the prices are just too good to pass up. my grandpa says if i get 40k i can buy his house and his land. its a real old house and kinda small but it sits on a little more then a fuckin acre of land. i could build another house and still not have to knock down that one. AND still have the basketball court (just re concrete it maybe) i found another place for 65k.

where am i ever going to find a home like that in vegas? even if i just come down here for a few years buy it then move back to vegas its a good idea. theres no way that i can see myself owning a home in vegas. not for 300k on average. and i know some people in the family who would help me while i was here. my cousins keep telling me to move back. i really dont want to leave in a few days.

i love vegas and i love everyone there. but if i can come down here. get a house going. maybe finish school. then go back. why not? why cant i have both? have my home in san antonio have maybe a condo in vegas? i can pull it off if i just apply myself and now that i see all the opportunity up close and personal i really want to. ive i got approved for that 130k condo i was going to buy in vegas i should be able to come down here and get a home or some land to build on. i want to stop just paying bills and rent. im getting tired of rent. i want equity. i want assets. i want to hurry up on the road to being financially secure. and if i could get a house for say 80k around here. i could pay that off real fast. then id be free to put it up for say a small business loan in vegas??? or a down on a house in vegas?

im starting to see san antonio as a real opportunity to get my foot in the door as far as gathering assets goes. and i dont want to pass it up.

why cant i have both?
i think this is my new plan and it makes me happy =)

never have i ever

2008-04-22T09:03:08Z

been under such a hold of someone as i am of my ex-wife (or soon to be ex-wife)

i began to talk with her again before i came to san antonio and im not sure if that was a good decision or not. she wants to get back together. but after everything thats happened its about impossible for me to do that and think its a good idea. ive been telling her i dont want to talk anymore, more so because im afraid of getting sucked back into a relationship with her then what i really want.

i do miss her. i do love her and care about her. i do want to be with her. but she never treated me the way i deserved and im not convinced that shes changed somehow over the past two months weve been apart. i do still believe like i always did, that she is meant to be in my life. but right now i think us being together isnt the answer. i think that would be a mistake.

yet it hurts me to hear her cry. to know she hurts because now she has hope for us. i even find myself not wanting to let her go. afraid i could lose her for the rest of my life. wondering what shes doing. and with who. and if i could forgive it later.

she cheated on me. she lied to me. she has already has a boyfriend after me. why would i even want her back?

somehow in a way i could never explain. i know her. i understand why she does things like this. i just never understood why being with me wasnt a good enough reason to stop.

i dont know what to do. ive made the decision not to take her back and im standing to it for now. nothing about this ends happy. i lose someone dearest to me. i lose a wife. even though she never treated me fairly. or i take her back. i start again and maybe just maybe things wind up working out and im happier with her then i ever could have been without her. but after asking everyone around me to stand behind me while i leave her how could i do that? i would lose so many people. and im not sure if thats even unfair.

i pray god send me a sign. a message. an undenyable proof of what to do.

could i ever find love outside of her?

would i ever be happier with someone else?

i want to stay in texas.

maybe the answer is abandonment.

whoa

2008-04-11T01:22:48Z

is the way i feel this morning....

like maybe i need to slow down

i think this is the third day this week being this hungover???

maybe i should slow down a little because my decision making is not what it use to be lol

ya know i dont know how to feel

am i making just horrible decisions or are they just out of context?

do i really want this life or do i just want something to feel different?

am i really able to be alone in the world and happy at the same time?

maybe ive just been distracting myself from hurt

maybe ive just been experimenting the way i always held back on when i was younger

maybe its just fun to be bad....

i dont know if everything about me right now is really me

i dont even know what to say but i need to let something out.

i want things i shouldnt

i do things i shouldnt

i miss things i shouldnt

so i try to get them from things and people i shouldnt... well maybe.... i dont know

i feel ugly

i feel jaded

i feel worthless

i feel unattractive

i feel unloved

i feel unwanted

i feel bad

today

i feel bad

cant explain it

itll pass

itll all pass

just need to keep a high head thats all

a beautiful lie

2008-03-29T04:16:05Z

diggin it glacier style lol

you know if i look back on the last week or so

i feel changed. new but not shiny. different.

rhys said and i quote" i expect you to be on the rebound for a long time"

god i hope that isnt true. and the way i feel myself wanting female attention right now is that rebound or is that just me being me? because i always want that lol so its hard to gauge.

im trying to stay open but at the same time forcing myself to not care. the last thing i need is to get into another relationship that shouldnt be happening because of whatever. im so afraid of myself doing that but i cant help that im a needy person lol. the last thing i want is to put someone else in a position ya know. so i bounce between the idea of trying to go out and find someone and trying to just maintain on my own which i havent done in a long time. its in the blood not my fault lol

something happened the other day that made me realize at the core im still the same shy unconfident guy i was a few years ago. brrrrrrr.

im hoping the trip will bring clarity. i need to find clarity. in something. or someone. its good and bad. im reaching out to people i never thought i would for support which reminds me how much everyone cares but makes me feel exposed and out there and sometimes it gets me worried.

hehe you know i said something yesterday that is so true. " i really love my problems"

i always need to talk about them. always need to get them out not other peoples. i dont know.

im trying to pack but ive been so lazy this past week that nothing got done so now its a rush. which is ok. had alot of fun to make up for it.

cant remember last time i got high in a bathtub with two girls lol

i walked into work yesterday feeling so haggard like whoa. those were the longest two days off ever. my boss just laughed.

cathy is trying to push me through to dual supervisor by the time she leaves for vacation. thats the first week of may. and im taking a week in april. rush rush rush lol. im starting to think it wont happen. but hey whatever. i really think im getting it at one point or another. to say i manage a casino cage on the las vegas strip at age 22. something finally makes me proud again lol.

btw need to buy new suits.

i wish i had more time to spend with people. i wish CERTAIN people would spend more time with me. but what can ya do. thats life.

my tattoo is starting to go pipe dream again cuz of monetary problems. but knowing the way i feel as soon as i am certain on the banner im getting it lol. "Make love without regret" i think is number one right now. one arm is that the opposite is "Take Risk without fear" worries me that they wont be able to be hidden. but it just feels right and i want it so bad and maybe on some level i need it.

i need alot of change. i need a difference. i need to be shiny. and im getting there. but some people wont like how i do it. and right now. i need to do what i need to do.

i want for someone i wouldnt expect a call from to call me sometime in the next few days and have a real great conversation. more then likely family. i want a good conversation.

ok no more whiny. bye.

i dig these lyrics

2008-03-24T23:03:13Z

The words are coming I feel terrible
Is it typical for us to end like this
Am I just another scene
From a movie that you've seen 100 times
Cause baby you weren't the first or the last or the worst
And I've got to fill the blanks in the past with a verse
And we could sit around and cry but frankly your not worth it
Anymore

So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that your under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

On any other day I'd shoot the boy
Cause your simple toy
Had caused a scene like this
Leave him hanging on the walls
Just a picture in the hall
Like 100 more
Consider this as a gift as you taste him on your lips
And he's making you scream with his hands on your hips
I hope he's leaving you empty baby this is just a fix
For such a simple little whore

And your name remains the same
All that has changed is this pretty face
So pull the trigger
It never gets closer
You want to start over
But never start over

i want to leave vegas. if life were simple id give in my two weeks and be on a plane. but i would leave my mom stuck with a car she can't afford. so i gotta do whats right first.

i dont know i talk to my friends at home and they just seem more. i dont know. theyre different from people here. my friends back home all stand up and have my back on everything and sometimes it feels like people here just dont want to deal with it. which i get but i dont know. sometimes i wonder which i would rather have. im getting pretty set on leaving. monica is connected to too many things here. i could never be completely rid of her. and i need to try right now. its been more then a month but im still hurting so bad inside that i think the worst is still ahead. and i dont know if people around me now are going to be able to help me with that. it just feels like everyone is so wrapped up in their own shit and i know everyones like that but i wish we would all do things and talk and etc etc like we use to a few years ago. so many things have changed and people too. i can feel myself going into a very angry phase of life. im starting to push myself to try to take whatever i want which i think was alot of my problem before. i always did what i should. not what i wanted to do. i can feel that change alot right now. and when i try to get what i want and i dont... it stings even more right now. and makes me even more enraged and depressed and optimistic all at the same time. somethings going to happen. something big. that i am going to do because i want it. and everyone is going to condemn me for it. and i will walk away again. i know somethings going to happen and i really dont want to have to. but nick seems like he isnt as good a friend as he use to be. maybe he is to into the buisness or whatever chick he is with. i could probably use him around the most right now and alot of times i feel like he is just annoyed. rhys has been great to me right now. bekah too but i annoy her alot. minus those two people i dont really talk too much about me right now and because of it things are starting to get bottled up again and i dont like it. i just dont know who to reach out to or how. im just really horrible with people i think. maybe im just a really horrible person. past few days it seems like everything that use to make me smile isnt working. ive stopped caring about alot. i dont care if i get to run the cage anymore. i dont care if people dont like me anymore. i dont care if im making decisions that will bring severe consequences later. i want to feel peace. i want to feel whole again. i want to feel cared about. i want to feel loved again. and looking back i wonder if there was ever any true love in there at all. because so much seems fake now. and i wont ever know what was real. and btw i do feel bad that i havent finished putting all her things together but i just dont want to forget anything here. ive been pushing back moving because i really dont want to live with my mom. im getting my tattoo. maybe before i go into work today. i really need it and if i told you what it is where its going and why then youll understand what i mean when i say NEED. i want something to make me feel good right now and that hopefully will. i know i should never own up to this anywhere written but i have been smoking pot again. its been a quite rebellion. the only thing that scares me is that times like today i can feel part of me wanting more. something harder. its like a haze which is nice. but i want a vail. a blinder. something to take me out of the world for just a few hours. but i dont think they make that. and if they do itll prolly kill me heh.
am i lost? or am i just finding it all? i feel alot happier somedays. but i think i would get alot more shaking heads if i told people what i was really doing that made me happy. i just want to stop thinking about her and i cant. everyday there is some reminder of our life together and i just want to get rid of it all. but i cant. i dont know if i will ever trust anyone enough to give them my heart again. and i know that i probably wont have too many other opportunities to. god guide me now. show me the path and i will walk it in your name. give me strength lord. make me a stone.

ok end of emo venting

bright side news

i am putting in for my vacation. ten days out of vegas woot!

still hoping to hear about the promotion but i think it may not come for a few months now. w/e

have to finish moving by friday. finally get to give monica her clothes back. dont know why she left them but w/e

the dog is gone =( couldnt keep him. had mom take him to dewey i didnt have the heart to watch that. he was crazy but he was a good pup. i wish i couldve given him better.

might have one more party before i give the apt up. could be fun.

lil brent has signed on for guitar. its starting to feel like an actual band with him i think lol. he already brought up a song idea. blues version of soulja boy. lol im doin it. im goin to take the plunge and ask my dad for any equipment/advice he can give me before he leaves on the 1st. he'd be proud. musics in the blood i cant help but want it.

with all me and rhys pool trips im actually playing par to well again =)

time to get ready for my spirit competition (so gay)

dennis owes me a beer lol

later world

i need to get something off my chest...

2008-03-12T09:16:36Z

monica messages me on myspace to read her livejournal.

so i do and this is my response:

im only writing this because my restraining order isn't done yet when it is there is to be no contact between us.

the truth is we can't be civil even when its just the two of us. you don't know what that even looks like. am i in a fragile state yes. but i choose to not talk to you because im done with you. i don't ever want anything to do with you again. you are the definition of everything that could possibly be wrong with someone.

bitter doesn't even begin to describe the way you treated me and not just during the past month or so. our entire relationship was bullshit. it was an excuse. for both of us. it was never real. i realized that now. you were just a safety net for me and thats all. and when i realized i didn't need you that i was strong enough to be on my own thats when our relationship went bad.

you wanted to work something out? there was no relationship left. you killed it off long ago. i did something wrong? every single person i have talked to has told me otherwise. monica you were the one doing wrong. you were from the beginning. i treated you great. i took care of you. i stood up for you. and that was never good enough for you. you just didn't want it to go away and when it did look at how you reacted. stealing. lying.

you've got a new boyfriend. so exactly what does that show about how much i meant to you? i told you once when i left you, you would go right back to who you use to be. and look at you now. still do anything to have a guy and have someone else take care of you. he is so chill because he doesn't know you or care about you because the people who know you and care about you are all walking out on you. and thats because of who you are. you can go around and try to blame everything on other people. but at the end of the day its all you making the decisions. no one forces you to be this way. you like it. and thats why no one likes you.

i helped you. yes i did. but you know what. you didn't deserve it. my time would've been so better spent helping someone who was worth it. but those are the mistakes i have to live with.

pretty soon you'll be something different. you wont play wow. you wont be silly. because that was never you. you just copied the rest of us. and tried to fake it so you could fit in. but thats not you. the real you is someone not even you liked in the first place. so why should anyone else?

you never had to lie to me about going out or anything else. you CHOSE to lie. because it was easier then admitting you did something wrong. everyone tells me i should've dumped you the minute you lied about your age and they are right. i should have. that was another mistake i made.

and i am happy to not be with you anymore. im happy that pretty soon all this divorce shit will be over and ill never have to even think about you ever again. im happy being single. and yes someone else will make me ALOT happier then you ever did.

so you can come back from that dream now because it will never happen. i shouldn't even be writing this but i figure maybe if you finally hear from me you will leave me alone forever. you will never see me again. you will never talk to me. you will never be in my heart. you will never be a good memory. you are the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. and i accept that. but im going to learn from it and move on.

monica, in the end of everything this is the last thing i have to say to you. we were NEVER meant to be. we BOTH forced a relationship that should not have happened. and now we can both either learn from that mistake or ignore it. as someone who once cared about you i will say that you have alot of things you need to think about. you as a person are one of if not the worst i have ever met. and sometimes i have no idea how we lasted so long. remember me if you want. however you want. but never forget. IT WAS A MISTAKE. it was never meant to be. maybe one day youll be brave enough and strong enough to try to understand what that means. but probably not. thats why i dont ever want anything to do with you. because who you are now. is probably the best you will ever be. and that makes me sad. you were wrong monica. about everything. nothing you do or say or become will ever change that. you are the biggest dissapointment in my life. as a person and a wife. and i hope one day you fix that.

i should be finished moving by the end of this week. when i am someone will take your things to your moms. this is the last commuication of any kind i ever want to have with you. i dont even want to be in the same room when you sign the divorce papers. dont call me. dont myspace me. or livejournal or bring the police to my door at 12am or anything else your mind can come up with. i completely wash my hands of you.

and you dont have to worry about me. i AM better off without you. and i am happier then i have ever been with you. im glad ive gone through everything you've put me through. because im stronger for it. wiser. and better. and from what i hear from everyone else. you aren't.

good luck in life monica. you are going to need it.

goodbye.

popkilr @ 2008-03-09T20:12:00

2008-03-10T03:31:20Z

so coheed is married to cambria and then a firefly injects him with the other half of this virus that turn him evil?

fucked if i know lol

i just feel like typing for some reason.

things have been ok. surviving well enough. i got the dog back so everythings chewed up again including my damn sunglasses

im almost glad im getting rid of him =/ almost

i keep coming home and falling asleep on the couch. i really cant get rest for some reason but thats typical of my shift.

its kind of nice though if i stay awake more then i should. i got to see bekah and nick and scott and me n rhys played pool. so that was all worth it.

fyi- rhys listens to speed racer having sex

im feeling ok. still almost nervous about myself. just dont know if im trying to ignore alot of emotions or if they are just not there anymore. if theyve slowly been drifting off over the past few months. i dont know. i just hope i can hold together. i think i can.

moving out pretty soon thatll be good. get started on the new phase of life i suppose. even though i really dont want to =(

i find myself really wanting to be with someone right now. rhys says im on the rebound wheather i realize it or not. the relationship lasted for too long not to be. i understand that. maybe thats why im hesitant. that and the fact that i have no chances with anyone worth taking the risk. so its basically like im back to where i was before monica lol. mildly depressing. but its not that bad. at least now i know what to look for.

i got a fortune cookie that said "my relationship status will soon change". and another one that said "express your emotions to someone who will listen" god i love virtual fortune cookies. i also got a jones cap that said " all your hard work will soon pay off" i hope all that is true. that would be nice.

i know i should be having more self confidence when i think about somethings. im trying to i should say. and optimism as well. i want to be happy again. thats falso logic. i should be happy now. im beginning to see alot of the flaws in myself and thats good and bad. but we cope. we cope.

i hope i get to see ashallama soon. i really did miss the girl. im kind of foolishly optimistic we could be good friends ever again. but there are all sorts of land mines in the way of that i think. would be nice though i always loved the conversations i could have with her. seems like so long ago.

bekah is trying to move to an organized like ecocommunity somewhere in the next few months. i almost admire that kind of life. but i would probably breakdown without all these modernized electrified creature comforts. in my heart id want her to stay here but if she cant find a reason why then why not try something new. good luck i say.

i need to try to see everyone on my weekend. i hope we all actually go do something.

i hope i can finish the divorce stuff fast. trying to figure out all the small parts in it is starting to bug me. makes me feel like we cant be civil which is true but i dunno. i gotta put the car in the divorce papers. i just want it to be over. thats all. over and done so i can move on. the fact that i still even have to look at her once in a while pisses me off. i wish she could just not be at the shop ever again. but oh well it makes me stronger right? im in a bitter stage as far as that goes right now too. part of me hopes shes taking care of herself and part of me just really wants to know shes sufferring in every way possible. but alas shell prolly go through her life happy and glad to be gone from me and will never even question or admit that shes not a good person. i feel sorry.

anyway im going to snack cuz im a fatty. wish me luck in the main tonight. pete didnt even know i could do the main bank so itll be interesting.

gnite world.

ps. gimme love =)

popkilr @ 2008-03-04T20:22:00

2008-03-05T04:45:38Z

"he is good some days and not some days"

"what do you expect"

i guess thats pretty well in order. today has been particularly difficult. woke up for work on my own. no one got my things ready for me. made me a sandwich. kissed me have a good day. i missed it. everyone at work was ok. understanding is the word. they understood where i was and for the most part they all just expressed that they were glad i was back and if they could help in any way they will. which was nice. and its official im next in line to be dual supervisor. thats kinda cool. but the person who was resigned from it and two people with more seniority arent next in line so go figure that out. i think its kinda the pox infected blanket. well see though imma go for it if i get offered the promotion. id be nice to say i managed a casino cage on the las vegas strip at age 22.

thank god for all my friends being here and around for me right now. the past two weeks wouldve been unbearable if not for them.

side note: my great grandmother died today. she was ready though she was i think 107 yrs old.

today is just depressing. im here at the shop. and i mean thats ok but. im almost broke and i have no check coming next week. i have inherited a car payment which wouldve been ok if i hadnt had a decent amount of money stolen from me. i gave my notice so im leaving. thatll be good for a while i think. me and brent are talking about getting a house again. that would be even nicer.

i didnt do my follow up with the psych because they wanted to collect a co-pay too large for me to pay that day. i said id reschedule. i dunno if i will. but based on today maybe im not entirely ready to not be in care of some kind right now.

im ok its just hard ya know. just feel sad.

and i can see myself making mistakes now. or at least bad decisions. i shouldnt need to feel validation from another woman i should just feel validation from myself. and on some levels i do and that feels great. at the same time i think i just would like to know i wont go another few years without getting another kiss or hold or whatever else. its like im trying to fight my own emotions today. if my future is so bright and all these good things look to be coming. if im doing so well then why am i sad? the old days the answer was im missing something. now i kind of see that im just wrong. i shouldnt be sad. being sad today is wrong. so im going to try to be happier when im done writing this.

in all truthfullness that i will deny right after this posts... i dont think a should be dating right now. maybe i should just spend some time by myself. but on the same token if i see an opportunity for something good. im not going to ignore it. lucky me. no opportunity. kind of simplifies life doesnt it?

i just want for things to finally normalize. so much is still up in the air. everyday seems to bring a new challenge however great or small. suppose i should be thankful for that but somedays i just want to feel like im done with it all. im done dealing with my bad marriage. im done dealing with doctors and hospitals. im done dealing with money problems not created by me. im done feeling abused, depressed, suicidal, unloved, unimportant. somedays i just want to feel done.

its only when i sit down and write that i realize i am done with alot. im just waiting for things to play out and thats beyond my control.

selfish note: i want to kiss someone soon. this is bad. i think maybe i just want some kind of rectification for everything that happened to me. like maybe in some way if i kissed someone else the way she did at least one thing would be fair then. and it would help reassure something happening in my future as far as that goes. but this is just thought. i know the logic is flawed. i shouldnt need validation from anyone but me. i shouldnt want something that isnt ready to happen and i have no right to push anyone else into my problems.

just a thought

ok i think im going to go

i think im starting to do better in general. and that excites me. because if i was doing good before imagine how great things will be now.

give me love.

later.

popkilr @ 2008-02-05T22:04:00

2008-02-06T06:17:29Z

im sitting at the shop. bored as hell. no one feels around no one feels here. i think monicas talking to other guys. i think she has been all along. fucking attention whore. soon as i say im gone she doesnt care. as long as i pay her fucking bills. she just needs the attention of others. just like always cant just be alone. i dont understand how i let myself waste so much on her. but now im thinking what do i have left? since apparently everyone is gone or detached. so is this better then the shitty relationship i had. no. i just want to be happy. monica cant understand that. no one else supports that. i feel like im going to take her back and thatll be like settling for something im not proud of. like accepting something thats just ok. but it hurts less then everything else. back to the same old shit. id rather die then go back to the kind of life i use to live. id rather wither away under some false vice and at least create a shell for myself until god takes me then stay feeling like this. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to hurt. just to make things more under my control. it feels like everythings slipped away from me. i have no rock left to anchor me. i have no light left to guide me. no ones listening. and of course this is my problems and my fault i create this fake gloom for myself right? my heart hurts. i dont think this is fake. and i wish someone could understand that. im doing so well at work and taking care of myself. things are looking to have such great potential on all those fronts yet im here contemplating leaving everything here behind me and trying to forge something new somewhere else. i want to hurt. ill find a way to tonight. decision made.

today sucks on many levels

2007-08-25T08:21:56Z

so lets try to build them up.

these are my last two nights off before school starts and i wont have any nights off. and no one is around to hang out... then again i just really dont wanna call someone at 1am and disturb there night ya know....same diff...

im just bout broke until next thursday but oh well....

i need to pay off my speeding ticket in 9 days or theyll be trouble trouble...

im all by myself at home because i left monica....

and this time its not just going to magically get fixed...

i gave her a ride to work today which is the first time ive even seen her in a few days and i couldnt say anything. i didnt know what to say. and i didnt want to upset her before work and make the day any harder.

i talked to her for a lil the other day. i told her i missed her i do but im not letting myself go back. im pushing myself to not be back in that relationship.

i just wnat to be able to trust her and i cant. what kills me is at this point i dont think anything is going to fix this. i even lost my ring. i think thats a pretty big sign.

i feel such an extreme of sad. just like a hopelessness. i know its not hopeless its a relationship but if i ever wanted something to just work more in my life it was this. just goes to prove what ive said my whole life which is relationships with me never work out. for one reason or another. they always end in disappointment. i fucking give up im done with attachment. im just going to be self sufficient. this is what always happens when i depend on someone else.

i really dont want to be alone right now.

it really hurts to be right now.

i tried so hard to get her to think about what she was doing. she never did. she couldve just stopped but she never did. i dont know what she needs to learn from all this but i cant be the one to teach it to her.

i have this great fear that im gonna screw off everything ive been working so hard to rebuild because my main motivation is gone. i wanted to go back to school and have a harder job that made more money to take care of us. now theres just me. i dont really give a shit for myself. long as i can eat. i shouldnt though i mean itll be good for me to keep finishing all this shit. could have two degrees in two years? maybe three? maybe i will get to law school one day. i dont think im doing so bad for someone my age ya know. there are some people twice it who dont have shit together like me.

i dont know what i want. i know i love monica and i know monica loves me. but i know what being with her makes me feel and i dont want that anymore. i dont really want anything new i just want for this to change. but the more i try to think about it the more i think its not going to anytime soon. so i guess im stuck with looking for something new. or not looking and letting something come along anyway. im tired of looking. no more energy into love. im tired of this.

why cant you just love someone and they can love you back and that can be enough? when did life get so damn complicated? wasnt that the idea back in the day just to love someone and thats it.

i give up

hello moto

2007-06-19T22:24:37Z

fyi moto is my new name for baby

just came to me heh

life man...

its harsh.

things havent necessarily been bad lately.

but they have been trying.

and ive learned there is a difference between the two.

monica's dad is very sick.
i hope he gets better.

but after all the things that happened i still cant bring myself to spend time with her family. im hoping thats not a breaking point even though it has been lately. i was so upset one day i actually called out of work. i just couldnt handle everything. its scary. im worried he might die im worried she might leave. and i just dont know what i could do to fix it. i broke down one day in the car and cried like shed never heard before screaming "i can't make things better! i just wanna make things better!"

shes having a rough time with everything. alot of ups and downs but thats normal. and her work isnt giving her the best deal either to make matters compounded. im trying to help keep her focused on the things she wants but its hard right now to help with much of anything.

my grandma had a heart attack too.
hope she's ok. they won't know for another day i think they said.

too much life being threatened around me. too much.

kind of makes me think inward about my life and what ive done.
and i havent done much.

maybe thats why lately its felt like ive had this fire lit under my ass to do things. get some direction. finish school. make more money. i feel like time is running out and i need to do these things quick or im gonna fail at all of it. i just dont want to end up being a sad story. someone who had such potential and somehow wasted it all.

im trying God you know this. do you think that sometimes God loves irony?
not in an insulting way lord but sometimes you give us tragedys and trials when we expect them the least and when they do the most harm. is it so we are strong enough to walk in the paths before us? or is it so we remember the paths behind us? or maybe both. i just know i want to be a good man. and have a good family and protect them from all the harm i can and provide for them everything they need. and thats hard for me to do. at 21 with no skills in anything really. just a general ability to complete. the ability to do anything he sets his mind to and he does nothing. ironic huh?

i know there are others worse off but there are others better too. and for someone use to being the best who wanted for so long to just be average...i miss being amazing. i miss being rare. i miss being above average. now i just feel like another slug under the rock. slow creeping hoping i see some sunlight before i die out. after all the things that have happened lately i seem to find myself coming around full circle back to who i am. and i havent truly been myself for a while. i was pretending to be someone else. pretending to be happy. pretending to be average. pretending to be loved. just pretending.

i guess thats why things feel so different now is cause i stopped pretending to be me and now i am just me. im living my life and it feels brand new instead of worn out. i think about the future. im optimistic. maybe even a little bit of a dreamer again. why not. i can do it. life is so sparkly now. so bright. its like there was a wall between me and the world for years and now its finally come down and i can feel everything for what it really is.

i wish everyone i walked away from could know that. could see it. i know that i will never in my life be welcomed back to that. and even if i was. they wouldn't know me now. the person they knew died off and now im just me. all core no shell. they wouldnt like me now. not being down on myself thats just the conclusion i gather. and thats ok. at the bottom of it all i was always alone. very picky and very limited about those around me. think thats why im so comfortable with having it be just me and monica. i do sometimes wish i could just send a message of some kind so cosmic emotion out to all those people. just that they were a terrific thing in my life while it was there and they form a very important part of my life forever whether they like it or not. that i never meant to harm but know i did. that all of this was for the best for everyone. and that i fully appreciated them so much. they made me feel so tall like i could walk over anything as long as i had them with me. now i can feel that way on my own. the confidence to know im strong enough to take on life. and i wouldnt have that if it werent for them. because i was really afraid of that when i met them. of life. and now im not. just wish i could tell them that theyll all be ok and theyll go on to do good things in life. and that ill be ok and that im living out some of my dreams no matter how small they may seem. and that im finally happy. and if they had the will maybe just remember all the good things about me and all the good times and leave everything else alone.

i was thinking about how empty my funeral would be if i had it today. and it made me a little sad but i dont think i would want so many people to be sad over me either.

i dont miss them cuz im happy for them all whereever they go. i dont care how all that sounds or how it comes off. i dont care if someone reads it and calls me weak or a liar. sometimes you just need to let things go. and if its meant to come back itll come. and if it wasnt it wont. but you need to go on no matter what. the journey is the most important thing. the journey.

i need to snap out of the emotional states now ive gotta make some food.

now the laundry list of hot topics in my life:
-The Spurs won the championship YEAH MUTHAFUKAAAA!
-I've decided to back off of buying the condo even though i could've got the loan, 120,000 just seems like to much monkey to be on my back right now. but ill come back to it soon enough.
-I made it out of my 90 days w00t! i have the uber 1337 medical and now im trying to get out of the cage and into surveillance or transfer to a strip property. hopefully i get surveillance but i need some more training first and i might need to spend some time as a security guard (wouldnt that be hilarious)
-My car broke then fixed by good mechanic my dad knew.
-I'm trying to get together my case for court but i don't know if i am going to be able to get all the evidence i need to prove reasonable doubt. fight a speeding ticket is hard work. but its a good citizens right and blah blah. im gonna plead not guilty this week and file a motion for discovery so i can have time to sequester records of all radar guns, serial numbers, calibrations, lisences etc. its basically a whole show to scare them into lowering my ticket. ill plead no lo contendre if they lower it more or i get school or somethin.
-like i said monica is going through things and weve had some rough moments but still love each other as much as ever. were buying a new bed dammit lol
-i fixed my bank problems in leiu of the morgage thing so i have money in da bank again and i have a credit line finally.
-ive ridden the bus more in the last month then i have in the last year.
-i was very proud of myself for handling a slammed night alone. over 800,000 in cash is an amazing pile =)

eh thats all just gonna try to rest up the next two days see how life goes next week. im gonna go look for a bed now dammit. i want softey cushey springy.

later

nice night

2007-04-26T12:34:01Z

i went on a very nice drive with my wife today. ya know its funny i was never the kind of person to just go for a drive. i dont think i have ever driven without having a destination in mind. maybe a rare occasion or two but very rare and not that enjoyable. but i really liked it we just talked about alot of things that were on our minds. i told her in the end it is best not to respond to anyone. i admitted that the original post i wrote was out of anger and not long after i had written it i realized that none of it really mattered. the same with a few other posts that are currently private. it upsets me to see people so easily do this to one another. ashalie's motive may have been pure but her actions were idiotic. and brent has butted in as only brent would because none of this of course is his buisness. he has changed alot. i remember the man who once told me never to be like him. his exact words. that he was so jaded. that he would never wish me to be like him. yet he now apparently has grown into someone all knowing. it seems he fights fiercest when the battle has nothing to do with him. like a soldier who was trained and trained and never sent beyond his borders. i dont quite understand it. to each his own....until his own affects my own.
we discussed some of this on the drive me and my wife. and i told her how i was angry as she is. how this was not deserved and was not the fault of anything we said. neither of us spoke first. but people like brent seem to disregard that. he did bring up one point that struck me as wrong. brent repeated that her livejournal was her own individual private thoughts and there was no right to judge them. when was anything placed online ever been given an expectation of privacy? especially this. there are things i have written that someone can read and there are others that remain completely private. she could have just as easily simply deleted monica. she could have made the post private or friends only. she couldve made the whole journal so. she decided to make her words public. she should be open to words in return. and above all, brent should learn his place. i think in all reality maybe they want to bring us back into their lives if only to condemn and ridicule some of the things we do and some of the things we don't. i feel sad that brent who should have no problem being a person above the fake prods of words can't seem to keep quiet. i think maybe he just isnt willing to fight for anything in his own life anymore. or maybe there just arent any more battles left for him. i wonder how much more interesting his life is now that this lil quip was in it. i remember when i visited deag to pickup the final electric bill and asked him how things were. he said everyone was still doing the same things. that made me sad to hear. can't anyone move on to something new? doesn't everyone get tired of the same routine after a while? i took a good look around at the apartment without me. minus the couch i dont have the will to move... for the most part bare. no food. no appliances. not even a $4 trash can. i felt sad. but i knew then that leaving was the best for me and my wife. and still taking in strays. trying to save as many hopeless cases as they can and i pray that some of the are not truly hopeless but for all my time there i did not see one bit of progress. i told her that i chose not to respond to anything anymore because as i said what would it matter. what difference do all these words make. ill still be married. ill still be happier now. ill still go to work. ill still play videogames. when all this ends someone will simply feel the empty vindication of talking the loudest. has anyone truly told me anything that has in the slightest way affected my life...no. i told her to let them say it. let them walk all over us. and she said why when we are fully capable of defending ourselves to them. i told her thats what they ask from us. they provoke our defense. so they can try to burn it down. i couldve left a few entries public that are very very .... past the point of rude or offensive...i think frightening can describe it better. true thoughts mind you. honest and pure. but why place that upon people i have no desire to interact with any more. she looked at me on our drive and said why cant we just have friends? why have all of our friends become such assholes? and i told her in the end it was our fault as much as theirs. from most of the myspace responses i received there are a decent amount of people who still enjoy our friendship. but those people also happen to be the most silent voices in all this. has anyone ever really told brent he was wrong and had the man actually listen? because he doesnt anymore. he wouldnt listen to me. i dont think he would listen to anyone. i told her what does it matter now. all my life all i said was i wanted a woman who loved me, to provide for us, and to raise a family that didnt have to worry about things in life like food or general necessities like i had to at times growing up. thats all i ever wanted. and now i have it. if the price of this is everyone else in my life then i am fine with that. monica is all that i need in this world. what is so wrong with that? people can pick out so many flaws between the two of us but at the end of the day we are deeply in love with each other and we are devoted to one another. what about that is wrong? why does that deserve to be dragged through the mud the way it has this past week? i remember a long time ago i told my cousin about ashalie. maybe just when monica and i started dating. and he said she would end up being trouble. maybe i should have been strong enough to just shut her away. but then again would my resolve be this strong if i had never been through this? what more could possibly be thrown at us? think about it.... we have stuck with each other through it all. weve always ended up together... so why should this be any different. i told her let them walk all over us because at the end when all the harsh words are said they wouldve left us at last. i told her the bigger person can just remain silent and take every blow until there are no more. i told her besides the initial post i left up and a few quips towards brent because he addressed me (he told monica not to speak for me so i felt compelled to speak for myself as he seemed to ask) i have chosen not to respond to anything. and i could have. i couldve made things so terrible. i couldve pushed things beyond words. but why give energy to those i dont even wish to think of anymore. and she said yea but you can take it. and i said why cant you? ive been the only person to truly see who you are in all of this and i know what i am forever bonded too. and if you were even a percentage of the person they claim you to be i would not have married you. i told her as long as we are together we can accomplish anything. and i was please to see that after all that she simply erased the post with all of brent's comments. that was very big of her. because she wanted to keep going. she wanted to push it until someone admitted they were wrong. but she was the bigger person. and im proud that i married a woman like that. i think monica and i have a very bright future ahead of us. and anyone who isnt in it is going to miss out. ive babbled for long enough.

good night lj

so i come home and go online...

2007-04-20T15:11:32Z

and i read monica's livejournal....

and she seems upset...

and im wondering what could've been done or said to her to make her so upset...

and who could've done it because right now there aren't too many people either of us keep contact with....

so i come across this post...

and i don't understand it...

and i get where it's coming from from your perspective...

but honestly why now do you bring this up from nowhere?

and why is Nick so damn happy about it?

i dont know whats going on here...

but let me say first and foremost that i do not dictate who monica chooses to hold relationships with and i never asked anything of her regarding you ashalie. i never said dont talk to her. dont message her. dont call her. if it was her choosing to maintain a relationship with you one wouldve been maintained. it wasn't. so how is that her not being an individual?
i dont know what you two do or do not talk about now and i dont care. its none of my buisness. but whatever it is goes on between you and her.

but why such an outlash?

i don't know about monica, but i havent spoken to you in months. so why now is this post addressed with my name on it? after everything was supposed to be said and done why do you still have something you obviously need to get off of your chest?

"I, inturn, responded and deleted you as well.
I did not delete MONICA.
I'm NOT a bridge burner."

That's directed at me.
And I would be bullshitting if i said i wasn't a bridge burner. i am. i've tried (and failed) to try to be fair and even as i can with every situation i come up against. but this is what its lead to. ive burned alot of bridges. and sometimes it bothers me to think of some of the great people i no longer have. but i made a decision each time. and i would not have made it if i didnt think it was the right one.

i remember the day i decided to take you out of my life ashalie. monica told me not to. she said i would regret it. she said she would never ask me to do that. monica told me that. i mentioned it to nick bauer too. he didnt understand it either. now that i try to replay the way everything went down maybe no one really did. so just in case that is part of what this post is about here it is:

I cared about you ashalie. me and you had a special thing i thought. a very close relationship. and for a long time i wanted that to be something more. and you didn't. for whatever the reasons and whatever the timing you didn't. so i started to look elsewhere. and i found monica. and i felt this really amazing connection to her even though we were so far apart on the radar. i saw someone i wanted to help. help become something she was trying to. help leave a life of alot of negativity. someone i wanted to take care of. and i stuck by her. through everything and there was alot. none of my friends approved. everyone thought i was pathetic. regardless of what your opinion is can you ever imagine being in that situation and how it must feel? but there was still this person inside of her i wanted to bring out so much. so i stuck by her. all the time trying to be as honest as possible. i admitted to monica on several occasions that i still had feelings for you ashalie. to be in love with two great people at once. was that really a crime? were either of you really unlovable? eventually in my heart and in my head i had to make a decision. and i knew whatever it was i could not have the other person around. it would hurt way too much. and if that hurt ever did go away, what if those feeling came back too? and jeopardized something really special. i thought about that for like a week straight all the time. and for me it came to this. on one hand i had someone who was standing by me through alot that she didnt have to. someone who i know exactly where her heart was. someone who gave me what i wanted in a relationship. and on the other i had someone who tried to but never was able to really give me what i wanted. someone who i felt cared a great deal about me, but i never could pin down where her heart was. and having been rejected so many times before i knew that it wasnt going to end up where i wanted it to any time soon. so i came to that decision. that i choose monica over ashalie. and i know your thinking that there wasnt really much romantically between us anyway so whats the big deal right?

in the end i knew that i could not have you as just a friend ashalie. thats wrong. thats unfair. thats burning a bridge. but thats the truth. thats how i felt. maybe it was because we had such a close bond. i felt having a connection with someone like that and to not have them in a romantic relationship would cheapen and retard anything else. and instead of having a cheapened friendship i decided id rather just not have one at all.

thats why ive taken you out of my life. thats why ive burned the bridges. im not trying to say im right or wrong. but thats truth. thats reality. and just incase i havent explained that enough i need to get that out one more time.

i dont regret my decision. and i dont regret the consequences of my decisions. i can feel disappointment that i had to hurt or be hurt by so many people. i can feel even shame for it. but i would still make the same decisions given them to do over.

i dont understand why this was said and why now and with such aggression towards me and monica. you think monica is a mindless robot wife and im an abusive controlling hushband. fine. its your right. what does that opinion have to do with us. with people you dont even speak to casually anymore. does it really eat away so much? why? why are you ashalie concerned on any level about me or monica. i know i never asked for your concern.

i think alot of things that have came up revolve around people being concerned with what they shouldnt. no one cares about me and monica. if so where is it all. if this has really been on your mind to the point of frustration wheres even attempt to talk to one of us about it? i cant speak for monica because i dont know how often you two talk but i know for me a may have spoken to you i may have not (probably not) but you still havent even tried. so why let it bother you? why the need to vent out these opinions on people you dont value (or shouldnt) and dont interact with in any way?

but since you have chosen to speak. and in a manner such as this. this is what i say.

IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE READING THIS HAS SOMETHING THEY WANT TO SAY ABOUT ME OR MY WIFE GO AHEAD! I HAVE A MYSPACE I HAVE AN EMAIL I HAVE A LIVEJOURNAL AND WHEN I GET THE FUCKING THING BACK ILL HAVE A CELL PHONE. YOU CAN ALL REACH ME SO GET IT OFF OF YOUR FUCKING CHESTS! LETS ALL BE SOME ADULTS AROUND HERE FOR A CHANGE HOW ABOUT THAT! NO MORE FUCKING AROUND WITH LITTLE MESSAGE AND QUIPS HERE AND THERE AND TALKING IN CORNERS BEHIND EACH OTHERS BACKS! IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE EVER VALUED ME THEN HAVE THE GOD DAMN GAUL TO STAND UP TALL AND SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! LETS ALL PUT OUR CARDS ON THE TABLE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS AND GUESS WHAT I DON'T MIND IF I WIND UP ON THE LOSING END BUT IM TIRED OF YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE TRASH TALKING LIKE THEYVE ALREADY WON THE TABLE.

even to you ashalie who i promised myself i would never speak to again i give you an invitation. anywhere anytime anymeans you choose. speak. say what you want to me or monica. have it all out and then when youre satisfied walk away and never look back.

anywhere.

anytime.

bring every stupid locked up frustrated fucking opinion you could create in you little confused brain and well see who is really being honest and truthful.

dont be afraid to say it because its not you. dont lock it up. dont bullshit it to be nice the way you use to do so much to so many other people. let it out.

if you have the brass to talk you can figure out how to get a hold me.

and if you dont then let these be the last words i ever say to you:

i will always remember you as a good friend and a good person.
i wish you well in all you ever do.
good luck in your life and my god bless you many times over.

-Sampson

booooooooooooooooooooooooored

2007-04-19T09:54:49Z

so im posting

ive finally gotten a hang of my new job... but now in may they may completely change things around....arghhhh.....at least they keep paying me heheh....

at least most of the people i work around are happy and nice and dare i say understanding... guess its cuz were all glad were working somewhere with a little hope...

speaking of a little hope im trying to go back to school as all know and i think ive permanently lost all my free money. which makes that hard to do. im undecided as to what to do at this point. ill definitely need to keep the job and do school in the day... im leaning towards going the loan route which i swore off along time ago...but it may be the way......if i can actually stay focus for a few years maybe i can even make it through law school.... it be a real great way to help myself take care of my family ya know.... i think that will have to become my main motivator. i cant keep working this hourly shit forever. i want to have more money to manage then now. but said it all before i know. i actually do think things are going better now though. so besides the head aches that go with all that college stuff im happy =)

ive been thinking alot bout how ive changed. im alot different now. im meaner. or can be. im less understanding more demanding with everyone. but hopefully not to the point of overbearance. i think ive just kinda become more well rounded. i get mad when i deserve to i dont hold it in anymore. i get sad when i should and still a lil when i shouldnt but thats a whole other deal heh. and now when im happy its just like a ten times better feeling. i remember i use to think my happy moments were always kind of vailed. like i hadnt been honestly happy in a while. and now when i feel happy i feel that overwhelming good feeling not just part of it. even though things can be harder right now i really do feel happier.

i went and picked up some mail from deag the other day and found myself missing everyone around there but on the other side of that coin right now i just seem to be happier away from everyone. ive been having thoughts of one day finally finding the right mix where i can go see everyone and visit and have a good time but not every night and if i have a problem with someone i can just walk out on it. usually if people have a problem like that with me its nothing i can change so just walking out is the best thing to do. if they calm it down they calm it down if not they can eat it. i dont think anyone really cares though. think theyre all happy doing what they always do. ive been surprised how many people were shocked or kind of upset but not being invited to a wedding for me and monica. in all honesty, i didnt think anyone of them really gave a shit. and im still hesitant about who to invite to our wedding because i just dont know who will actually be happy, who will keep their mouth shut but have negative things to say behind our backs, and who will just completely reject us.

on the opposite side of the coin most of the friends we have had around us lately have in one way or another screwed us. just bullshit things that respectable friends really dont do to each other.

so its been a very weird purge. coming down to it basically everyone and everything has been stripped away from me and monica. no more friends. no more apartment. were basically just us now. but in all honesty even though i have things and people i could be sad over im the happiest ive ever been. me and her dont really need anyone else to be happy which is a good thing. your suppose to share a bond like that with someone you love.

so i dont know where i stand really

i would like to have friends around me again. i think most of the people out there though wouldnt accept me. or the ones that would still have things on their tongue that i dont want or need to hear. and why have people like that around you? and if this isnt the case i think my absence has made most people kind of forget about me the way you forget about family you move away from. you call once in a while when you remember or when you have the time but they arent a part of your life anymore.

shit i dont know. i think i just think about what i want my life to be. i have my wife who i love. im going to get my own apartment. ive put myself in a position to at least do alot to provide for me and her even though god knows i cant do it alone. i even could possibly start a career with all the things im learning in the cage. i know it could be better or worse but im pretty proud and happy with all i have right now. and then there is this whole issue of friends that i feel mixed on. ya know like if i have my wedding who is gonna come? if i have my new apartment who is gonna visit? its things like that that make me miss things. but something in me immediately jumps up and reminds me that so many people in one way or another hurt me. and that i shouldnt let people like that back into my life.

eh i give up new subject lol

i havent taken this ring off my finger since monica put it on. i feels weird to be married. i have to get use to hearing myself say my wife lol but i love it so much. me and monica are both just so much happier now which is amazing since if i listed some of the things that have happened to us lately youd respect it if we were depressed or angry but were not. i really wish my schedule could be different or that we could spend more time together. but we make time when we can.

im really enjoying my FUTURE finally which is something monica always told me i dont do enough. that i dont think about my future being good. i really want to be a lawyer again. i talked with someone in monica's family about some legal problems and if my ideas were right i couldve helped get someone who has been abused by the system for over 10 years get free. i know alot more then i allow myself to believe. i liked that feeling. like i was helping people who dont know anything about the law. helping explain the rules. helping find how it worked in their favor. i really want to be a lawyer again. and its a good idea. itll give me a career. and with it that financial security ive wanted. and that sense of accomplishment. like i made it. finally became somebody.

i guess to sum up

im happy. even when the chips are down. which is what i shouldve learned to be all along.

so im proud that i finally found it. =-)

cant sleep

2007-04-06T03:57:35Z

ive been up since noon i work at 10 tonight i shouldve tried to find some place to sleep in all that but i couldnt so here i am posting to the lj heh

the new job has been ok...

had a real rough first week i got left alone for two days straight and it was the weekend so i just like crumbled under all that work that i wasnt sure how to do...

i came through it ok though... my sups were impressed i worked a 13 hour shift my first week...

hopefully it lasts for a while right now my department is under alot of stress for a couple of things so hopefully they dont clean sweep all of us away..

money is decent a full check is like 650...

just got a check for 600 today 71 hours its not bad...

if we get the raise to 12.50 itll be alot not bad too =)

me and monica are slowly starting to save money but we keep wanting to do special things with it and help my mom so it kinda has been rough this first month here...

we are still aiming to be in the new place around august/september

monica has been doing good at work.... the job has been kinda rough lately theyve been threatening alot of things and people there have been acting kinda stupid from time to time but shit happens. she still has to take the bus sometimes but for right now it is what it is.

my relationship with monica has been doing alot better too...

we still have fights but we always talk them out. i think we are both just alot happier with the way things are minus ya know no apartment lol

other then being tired most times or bored a few times things are good for me.

im still waiting for my final target check even though its only gonna be like 100

and im still hoping that my VA money comes in cuz thatll be about 3k and thatll help speed along the moving process.

my plan now is to ride this job out long enough to either score a transfer into accounting, IT, or cashier AND/OR get a tuition reimbersement program going to finish my degree. im hoping to go back to school this semester and finally finish my AA then transfer to UNLV in the spring maybe to finish my BA. im also considering changing my major to something a little more useful like engineering or buisness management. i think if i get casino management and the casino will tuition me theyll place me into management somewhere when i am done which would be a pain in the ass cuz i would be a manager but i would be a manager and salary etc etc so well see.

right now im just focusing on getting enough money for me and monica to get our new apartment, our new tv, monicas new car, our new bed, our xbox360 and our ps3, and some safety money to have in the bank incase we need it cuz thats the one thing i could never do living with the boys and thats save.

ill be so happy if all this happens especially the school. not only would i hopefully get the extra money from the VA but i would also finally have a leg to stand on as far as jobs go.

the social life has been hard but its ok heh. get out to play pool or bowling or movies when i get a chance. i bowled like a 160 the other night i was like damn Wii sports works lol

monica is excited about the wedding. i am too. i went through nervous, normal, worried, and now im mostly just excited. i really hope everything goes the way weve thought it out were doing this really just short notice. i think we both just got tired of waiting for money to be married. so thats why we are doing it now and we are going to have the big fancy ceremony later on. we were going to keep it a secret for our own reasons but shes been getting excited the past few days in the home stretch and telling people so i figured its safe to talk about it now lol. i think we were both at least at this time really weiry about having everyone be at the wedding. certain people or certain ideas could come in and ruin something that should be a beautiful thing. beyond that the money was the biggest hurdle. so we decided to have this small personal quiet ceremony for us now and then later on when we have the money were going to have the church and the dress and the people and the whole nine. i cant wait. neither can she.

so yea just fyi for the most part by the time you read this entry i will be a married man =)

i just hope people who want to support me and my new wife will show it and people who dont will understand enough to just not involve themselves if thats their choice. that being said i really dont care anymore. i dont think monica does either. were fine just being us. if other people want to come add to that thats all good. but were happy just being together.

k so now that the cats out of the bag i gotta go eat something and hit the road.

so wish me luck on getting married and hopefully the next time i post in this i will be forever connected to someone i love with all my heart =)

laterz

popkilr @ 2007-04-03T13:41:00

2007-04-03T20:41:41Z

“What I’m going to do is go back home and see what’s left for me. I know that during the last several months I have lost a lot of things and one of the things is my smile and I know it doesn’t mean a lot to anyone else but it means a lot to me. So, I have to go back and fix myself and take care of myself and I have to go back and find my smile because somewhere along the line I lost it and I don’t care really if it’s unpopular and I don’t care if people make fun of me because I’m an emotional guy.”

just sounded good

2007-03-24T03:07:11Z

"Life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forwards."

REJOICE!!!!!

2007-03-20T05:35:44Z

Hey cavemen
Sharpen up your sticks
We'll drive that wooly mammoth right off the cliff

Now cavemen
Gather 'round the flames
We'll eat the meat and divide up what remains

Rejoice
Cavemen rejoice
Rejoice
Cavemen rejoice

Hey cavemen
Now that we are a team
We'll attack those other cavemen across the stream

We'll sneak up
Ready for a fight
We'll steal their skins and weapons in the dead of night

Rejoice
Cavemen rejoice
Rejoice
Cavemen rejoice